Can we cut the crap with the whole "True Self" thing?
Hey Sister!
I want to touch base on the whole “True Self” thing because I think it’s an important concept that’s misunderstood.
Specifically, I think that this misunderstanding is causing unnecessary struggle and confusion for people who are committed to a path of self healing and personal development, and frankly that path is tough enough as it is.
Anything that makes this process unnecessarily harder kinda pisses me off.
I’m obsessed with doing what I can to help others on their journey to end their suffering, doing what I can to make the process more efficient, clear and as easy on the nervous system as possible, so on that note, let’s discuss….
But just one thing first: this is a skim of this topic; I spend 2 weeks training my clients on this concept, so if you want to dive deeper, you might consider getting on the waitlist for the January cohort of Soul Centered Self.
Moving on….
The True Self concept is as old as Plato (“know thyself” was inscribed on the temple of Apollo) but it was brought into popular cultural awareness in the 1960s by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott.
Giving you the cliff notes, the concept goes a little something like this:
When we are born, we’re wired for survival through the mechanism of attachment to our caregivers. Thanks to that wiring, we were molded into a personality (a Self) that was a form-fit for our caregiver’s personality traits, habits, beliefs, modes of operation, etc.
Basically, to insure our best chances for survival, we became the personality most capable of “working” for, and thus retaining attachment with, our caregivers.
This custom-made, built-to-please Self is considered our “False Self”
The parts of ourselves that "didn’t work” for others were cast aside, into our subconscious, out of sight and (sort of*) out of mind. (*We won’t get into this topic here; shadow work, and how the subconscious shows up in our lives, is worthy of its own email)
These cast-off parts of ourselves were often our aggression, sexual energy, anger, sadness, and any number of other traits and behaviors that made our caregivers less than comfortable.
But what also ended up in the “discard pile” was often our creativity, sensuality, joy, self confidence, self esteem, self expression, and other “shiny” parts that were equally uncomfortable for our caregivers to be around, for any number of reasons we won’t get into here.
In theory, the reunification of the “approved” (false self) and disapproved (shadow self) parts of ourselves results in the “true self” ideal.
But this reunification gets tricky because we often don’t realize we’ve been living as a “false self” until midlife, and after all those decades of performance, we tend to believe we ARE that character. Even while we desperately want to change, even to the point of loathing ourselves, we can’t seem to make changes stick for very long, and that’s assuming we even know where to begin the work!
Further, this character has a sense of its incomplete nature. It’s typical that we get to midlife and feel incredibly unsatisfied, even if we have everything in life that we’ve ever wanted. On some level, we KNOW that there are parts of ourselves locked away, and we yearn for wholeness.
But even while we yearn for that wholeness, it’s terrifying to bring our discarded parts “home” because we’ve been wired for years to feel that these parts of ourselves are a threat to our survival, even if we’re a 40 something year old millionaire “living her best life”
When one DOES decide to do the healing work of reunification and self actualization, this concept of becoming one’s True Self makes a lot of sense; I’m not arguing with the imperative of self awareness and unconditional self acceptance… yes, please!
It’s VITAL that we learn to accept and honor EVERY part of ourselves. Denying ourselves, shaming ourselves, and otherwise blaming ourselves for just BEING ourself(s) creates all sorts of problems, including anxiety, depression, addiction, and other self sabotaging behaviors.
For the Love of God, heal yourself!
But here’s what I urge you to be mindful about when it comes to the whole True Self/False Self concept:
1. The general concept would have you believe that there’s a “perfect” you, hidden underneath your “imperfect” bullshit, and if you could just do the right therapy, chant the right way, go to enough prayer circles, and meditate every morning for AT LEAST 15 minutes, this perfect TRUE self will be freed as a reward for you “doing everything right” and everything in your Life will finally make sense and be great.
Reminder: The “imperfect” bullshit…all the things you hate, or at least highly dislike about yourself, are present because, on some level, they have served a survival need at some time or another, and were simply never "deactivated". There is NOTHING in you or about you that is “bad” or “wrong”; the value judgment is just that: a judgment. And judgments are always a matter of perspective, which is malleable.
Further, the practice of disowning parts of yourself was the very mechanism that caused all the dysfunction in the first place, so let’s not attempt to find the solution in the same environment in which the problem was created.
No part of you is WRONG; it is only ever an automation that is firing at an inappropriate time. That has everything to do with your wiring and nothing to do with the “value” of the automation, or that matter, with the value of YOU.
2. The “self” we believe to be “us” is really just a cluster of mental, emotional, and behavioral habits that are triggered based on the cues of external stimuli. This is why you can effortlessly become “work you”, “wife/husband you”, “parent you”, etc without even noticing the shift.
SO…..if there are a bunch of Selves that come out based on the situation, how can you REALLY be sure which Self is your real self? And following that, how can you REALLY be sure which Self is the Self to be striving to embody?
3. At the end of the day, the creation of any concept of Self was and is always the result of our interplay with our environment. And if our sense of Self can be affected by our environment, can we reasonably say that it is “TRUE”?
The fact is, we are many Selves, and our Selves are fluid, even while they are habituated. They are easy to spot, but incredibly hard to catch because of their nature; sort of like clouds. When we determine that one particular Self is our TRUE Self, and this is the Self we MUST embody if we are to heal and “awaken”, we set ourselves up for disappointment (which only furthers the self bashing) because there is NO way of determining the “true-ness” of this Self due to the externally affected nature of the Self.
A search for the True Self in this sense is basically akin to a dog chasing its tail. And in the process, you get nauseous and spiritually vomit all over yourself(s)
So short story long, chasing the “True Self” will likely lead you in circles, judging yourself more harshly than before, when you can’t achieve an impossible goal that you’ve been led to think is possible. The Self isn’t a concrete and “correct” part of yourself that you can emancipate with the right therapy, and then live happily ever after.
Instead, I’d suggest that you observe the Selves that present in your various life circumstances and get curious about what NEEDS those Selves are seeking to satisfy. EVERYTHING we think, say and do serves a need. For most parts of ourselves, that need is survival-based, whether or not an actual threat currently exists (usually it doesn't)
So what is that need? Is it a current, relevant need, or is it a holdover from the past? Once you’ve identified the need, can you identify if the Self that presents that need has EVER gotten its need satisfied? And once satisfied, has the need brought a sense of harmony to your whole system OR has that satisfaction created other problems for yourself(s). And finally, is it possible you can serve the need(s) in a conscious, healthy and honest way for all parties/parts involved?
Additionally, I’d offer that whatever Self is showing up in any given moment IS the Truest Self that is available in that moment; you’re always doing the best you can in every moment; give yourself that grace.
If the Self that presents doesn’t please you, change a thought, word or behavior while in that Self, in order to break the habit loop and change things up. You don’t need to take on a whole new “Self”; you just need to make a small tweak to the Self that's showing up in the moment, and over time, you’ll tweak the wiring and the Self will change. Remember: a Self is a collection of habits. It’s not YOU.
And finally, on that note, look closer: there is a consciousness that is observing all these Selves that show up, that inevitably cues your ego to “like” or “dislike” the Self. The consciousness that observes, the consciousness that makes it ALL possible, is the “real you” and It is nothing and everything all at once.
Instead of seeking the True Self, seek deeper connection with the Conscious Observer….that part of you that exists in the present moment, where fear has little to no power. Without the story of survival running the system, the Observer will naturally arise, and you’ll be validated by how easily old, self sabotaging, played-out selves lose strength.
Instead of chasing after an idealized version of a “perfect” and “True" Self, focus on identifying and cultivating the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that make you feel loving towards yourself, and then observe what “Self” shows up under those circumstances; THIS is the Self you’ve been seeking the whole time, albeit in a backwards fashion.
The truth is that you’re less in need of a Self and more in need of a reminder that you’re safe without one.
Your Soul Sister,
Stephanie
If you’d like to learn more about your various Selves, the power of your subconscious, Shadow Work and how your neurology can be used in service of your personal development and Soul’s purpose, check out my group coaching program, Soul Centered Self; the January waitlist is now open. Also, if you know someone who would benefit from this article, please share it!
