"Work" YOU vs "Home" YOU: who do you TRUST?
We need to talk about something that might feel uncomfortable, but holding it in isn’t healthy, so let’s see if I can help...
I’ll paint a little picture….
In your work/professional/creative life, you kick ass.
You’re calm, clear and direct about what you need, and you’re not afraid to set expectations, give feedback, set boundaries, or push back when other people try to challenge your boundaries.
You show up for yourself and your goals consistently, respectfully, without making apologies for it, or feeling the need to justify it.
But in your personal relationships, you’re like a different person…
This person has to over-explain and justify what she wants with a bunch of “why’s…….”telling it like it is” make her nauseous, setting boundaries feels super awkward, and enforcing those boundaries makes her feel rude.
She gets analysis-paralysis when it’s time to make a decision, and then she ruminates on whether or not it was the right decision.
When it’s time for a tough conversation, she loses focus, trips over her words, questions her own feelings, and gets thrown off-course & out of peace by the other people’s attitude and opinion.
She feels ungrounded, emotionally all-over-the-place, and like she’s walking on eggshells a lot.
The “who” you are at work feels confident, grounded and TRUE. The “who” you are in your personal relationships feels confused, vulnerable and small….
So then….who ARE you??
You see the problem, right?
You are INCONGRUENT….a house divided against itself.
When you’re divided against yourself in this way, you’re screwed for a couple reasons:
- When you’re operating from that “small” self, you beat yourself up for letting yourself down...cuz you KNOW what a bad ass you can be! The shame shuts you down, making it hard to get out of your feelings, and take right action for yourself.
- When you’re a bad ass at work, you can’t totally rest in it, because you know how self abandoning you are, so much of the time. You end up suffering from imposter syndrome, and can’t trust your current success to support you in going for the next level, because secretly, you don’t believe you’re capable.
- When how you show up is determined by EXTERNAL conditions (people, places, situations, events) you can’t trust yourself to be LOYAL to YOU unconditionally. Without self trust, you got nothin.’
This sort of incongruence leads to depression and anxiety, and before long, your Life feels like a drag.
Specifically though, incongruence is a MAJOR ENERGY SUCK: that “small” version of you is exhausted from all the worry, and the “work” version ends up working harder than they need to, to “make up” for their secret sense of being a fake!
If this resonates, know 2 things:
First, you aren’t alone.
I’ve worked with hundreds of women just like you who deal with this problem; it’s sooooo common….but ain't nobody admitting it:-)
Second, the solution is is actually found WITHIN the problem.
Ready for it?
K….here it is:
What's REALLY happening is that you're experiencing an IDENTITY crisis, because you still believe that you ARE your personality; the second you stop identifying with your personality, you’ll find yourself firmly seated & centered in your POWER.
Quick psychology 101:
- Your “personality” is actually a bunch of mini-personalities (think of facets in a gem) that have been created by your survival instinct, in reaction to your external environment (your primary caregivers, siblings, extended family, clergy, teachers, large community, culture, etc.
- In a way, your personality is sort of like your wardrobe…sets of clothes you automatically, subconsciously “put on” depending on “where” you are. Whether you wear loose, light “clothing” or thick, rugged leather “clothing” in a particular setting will be automatic, based on what you’ve been in the habit of wearing in similar settings in the past.
- Reaching a point of despair with this situation (usually happens after about 35 years) is actually a CUE that it’s time to transition from one phase of human development, to the next.
So the problem isn’t you; the problem is you’ve been mistaking yourself for your "clothes!"
Your “clothing”…your personality….is by definition malleable; you GET to consciously choose how you want to show up for every part of your life.
And listen, it’s totally fine to LOVE your “professional clothes” and not be stoked on your “home clothes”; you CAN change them.
You CAN consciously begin to choose a new style, based on your preferences TODAY. In fact, you can use what you already have for inspiration.
For example, if you love the cool, calm and collected way you show up in work meetings, and want to bring that vibe to a tough conversation with your partner, you can use tools like:
- visualization coupled with grounding techniques
- affirmative self talk
- mantras
- mirror work
- role playing with a trusted friend or coach.
The biggest challenge in choosing a “new outfit” will always be your nervous system; when you first try to wear the loose, flowy clothes in place of the tough leather, your BODY will have a fearful reaction.
That’s okay. You can learn how to work with that too.
The takeaway is: YOU ARE NOT YOUR PERSONALITIES; YOU ARE THE CONSCIOUSNESS…THE WITNESS….THE SOUL BEHIND ALL THAT.
When you feel confused, frustrated and stuck between being someone you like, and someone you don’t, try to remember that it’s a habituated belief, backed by a habituated nervous system, that’s got you stuck.
You DON'T have to keep wearing the same clothes!
Can't WAIT to see what you wear next!
Love Stephanie
P.S. If you want help designing your new "wardrobe", get yourself booked on my schedule for a Free Consult; I'll help you identify what's no longer "sparking joy":-) Use the button at the top of the page.
