Feelings Aren't Emotions

As promised, here’s Power Tip #2 in this week’s edition of “If You Had Only Known…..”

Power Tip #2

Feelings are NOT emotions, and knowing the difference matters…

Feelings are the actual PHYSICAL sensations you experience in reaction to a real or perceived situation/event….

it’s what happens INSIDE YOU when you have a sensual experience** as well as when you have a mental thought.

(**Sensual, as in pertaining to your 5 physical senses…not the sexy kinda sensual:-)

You actually only have 3 feelings: attraction, aversion and neutrality, but the first two feelings are the focus of this convo. 

Attraction feels open, expansive, light and safe….it feels like a “yes, come closer, more please, interesting”

Aversion, as you can guess, feels contracted, narrow, tight….like a “no, stay back, go away”.

Feelings are biological messengers charged with the job of keeping us away from danger, and close to safety, in their myriad forms.

Feelings are FELT. Feelings are universal. Feelings are part of the human wiring system.

Feelings ARE.

Emotions, however, are another story. 

Emotions are the MENTAL INTERPRETATIONS of our feelings… yep…mental.

Emotions are the mental “story” we put around a physical feeling, based on the context of previous experiences with that feeling.

For example, you feel nauseous, sweaty, and little jittery before having a tough conversation with your partner, and you call that “fear”.

But you likely experienced the same feeling - sensations in the moments just before they kissed you for the first time.

In one in context, it was “excitement”: in another, fear.

SAME FEELING, DIFFERENT EMOTION

Here are some examples of feelings and coordinating emotions:

Attraction = loving, kind, curious, accepted, safe, secure, confident, sure, flexible, powerful, calm

Aversion = scary, disgusting, irritating, frustrating, insecure, rejected, abandoned, helpless, powerless, unworthy, defensive

Every time we identify a feeling as a certain emotion, and start telling a story, based on the context of the situation in which the feeling presented, we’re hardwiring ourselves to habitually:

• equate that feeling with that emotion

• hardwire ourselves to REACT to that emotion in a particular way.

This hardwiring is fantastic for our human machine, that’s driven to habituate as much as possible.

Habituation creates predictability, which goes a long way in insuring survival. 

But predictability can throw a MAJOR wrench in our growth, success, and happiness!

You see the problem here, right?

If we keep telling the same stories, we keep getting the same outcomes. 

Here’s what matters:

We can’t do anything about our feelings, nor should we; our feelings are our antenna, delivering vital information. All our feelings must be felt...all the way and completely, so they can flow (remember Tip #1?)

But our feeling system is a few million-year-old alarm system, and hasn’t caught up with the times; it’s prone to send false alarms.

That said, our EMOTIONS are more flexible, and we can actually regulate our FEELINGS by consciously changing the story we tell about them….by reframing situations/events with new emotional descriptions. 

For example...

You can reframe (tell a new story about ) that tough conversation with your partner by saying/thinking that you’re excited to get the opportunity to build intimacy by sharing your thoughts with them.

The aversion feeling is still there physiologically, but by consciously choosing a new interpretation, you are:

1.) taking control of the situation, which builds your self confidence

2.) increasing the change that you WILL  build intimacy through the process

3.) prime your brain to be less inclined to shrink away from “fearful” situations, and more inclined to lean in to “exciting opportunities” in the future.

When you start paying more attention to your actual FEELINGS, and realize that the story you put around that feeling (the emotion) can dictate what you do, and the outcome you can get, YOU ARE BACK IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.

You cease to be pushed around by your feelings and emotions, and instead, you start purposefully telling the story that has the ending you desire. 

Does this take effort? Yep

Will you need to learn how to manage your nervous system, and sit with your feelings? Indeed

Will you need to practice? Uh huh

Will feeling clear, powerful, in charge and ALIVE be worth it? 100%

Feel those feelings babe, and then watch your words.

Love Steph