3 Big Wins of Inner Child Healing....
I tell the truth about my history, because it heals me, AND it helps others know they're not alone....
I come from an abusive, alcoholic, rage-filled father, and a codependent, enabling mother....but from the outside, you never would have known.
It was all smoke and mirrors; my parents were still together, we were active in the church, big house, financially well off, my Dad was a charmer, and my Mom was "so nice"... no one could tell that we were living in a landmine.
We walked on eggshells, hyper vigilant, always looking over our shoulders for Dad's rage, or Mom's passive aggressive control.
Obviously, this affected my development....
I became severely codependent like Mom, carried secret rage that would sneak out, like Dad, and I felt broken, weird, hopeless, and damaged in ways that constantly made me feel like an outsider.
I was always guessing at what was "normal"; trying to fit in, without letting it show that I had no idea who I...
Letters To The Living Podcast - Transforming Grief into Purpose
I had the honor of sitting with Miranda May on the "Letters To The Living Podcast" to share my grief journey of losing my twin sister Amber to cancer in 2017.
In this powerful interview, we dive deep into what it means to be FULLY alive, and what death can teach us about forgiveness, empowerment, authenticity, spirituality, and love. If you've ever lost a loved one, or even if you haven't, but you feel like you've lost yourself, this episode has gifts for you.
Click the podcast title above to listen
Your emotions speak "needs"
Tip #3 Emotions tell you what you need; always look for the need!
This is a BIG one….
Emotions are messengers….actually, let’s call them generous friends.
Your emotions tell you exactly what you need, providing the opportunity to meet that need, IF you know what you’re looking at.
Let me give you an example:
When you experience the emotion of judgment, specifically you perceive that you’re being judged, the emotion (as well as the accompanying feeling) is telling you that your NEED to feel understood, accepted, etc is not being met.
Another example: when you experience anger, your need to feel respected, safe, and seen might not be getting met.
When you feel sad, you might have a need to be held, affirmed, nurtured that requires attention.
These are just examples, of course, that I take from my own experience; yours might...
Feelings Aren't Emotions
As promised, here’s Power Tip #2 in this week’s edition of “If You Had Only Known…..”
Power Tip #2
Feelings are NOT emotions, and knowing the difference matters…
Feelings are the actual PHYSICAL sensations you experience in reaction to a real or perceived situation/event….
it’s what happens INSIDE YOU when you have a sensual experience** as well as when you have a mental thought.
(**Sensual, as in pertaining to your 5 physical senses…not the sexy kinda sensual:-)
You actually only have 3 feelings: attraction, aversion and neutrality, but the first two feelings are the focus of this convo.
Attraction feels open, expansive, light and safe….it feels like a “yes, come closer, more please, interesting”
Aversion, as you can guess, feels contracted, narrow, tight….like a “no, stay back, go...
Self Care isn't what they told you...
Self care looks like…. lying down on the kitchen floor, crying, moaning, hearing yourself speak words that part of you believes, while another part knows better, but allowing it all any way.
Allowing.
Allowing yourself to feel all the feelings that your mind finds “useless” and “unhelpful” is self care.
“Useless” & “unhelpful” are judgments of an inner critic program, that was installed decades ago, to insure that you were never without an authority to keep you in line, and up to snuff.
Keep you in line for them….for their benefit, opinion, comfort and capacity.
It was always for them.
Our fears, our disappointments, our disagreements were too much for THEM to handle…they couldn’t handle their own; holding ours in strength, tenderness, consistency and assurance was just too big a job.
It was/is nothing personal; but the need remains.
Self care looks like allowing that part of you that’s feeling it, to...
If you had only known...
Gen X women are struggling in silence because they desperately want something that's hard to talk about.
It’s not a wanting for the typical stuff: the career, the money, the relationship, the family, the house, the things…that’s all been done.
This WANTING never seems to go away because it seems to be planted INSIDE, embedded too deep to be identified.
Now.....I'm going to make a bold statement:
This WANTING…….. is the desire to finally, intimately, undeniably, unconditionally KNOW, TRUST and LOVE ourselves AS WE TRULY ARE.
We want to know what it's like to live fully, successfully, and happily, without feeling like we have to try so hard all the time.
We have a visceral sense that there’s more to us than we’ve been told, or have believed about ourselves.
We suspect there’s a truer version of “I” underneath the version that walks around the world, giving ourselves away…that version that:
- says one...
Do you get "little" in hard conversations?
“What you said, about getting SMALL when having hard conversations with your partner….I DO that all the time!! It feels like I’m talking to my Dad! What IS that about?!”
My friend said this to me this morning, after seeing one of my posts on Instagram.
What I shared resonated with her COMPLETELY, and I know it probably resonates with you too, so lemme tell you what that whole “getting small” thing is all about……
But I’m going to warn you…it’s mind bending stuff that will disrupt the way you see yourself, which will change EVERYTHING, so I’ll take it slow, 5 little steps at a time:
- You are NOT a singular Self; the latest data in consciousness studies and therapeutics, points to a “multiple self aspect” framework that posits that the “You” you think you are, is actually a collection of “yous” (not that I needed to read “the white pages” to know this...
The Post That Will Cost Me Subscribers...
This is gonna be an email that costs me subscribers, but there's something you need to hear, whether you like it or not....you DESERVE to hear it...
So here goes:
The only problem you have, is that you think you have a problem.
It’s my experience that most women in midlife are struggling from essentially the exact same issue: they’re having an identity crisis.
Sometimes, in certain situations, with certain people, while engaged in certain activities (usually work/professional/creative stuff) they’re confident.
They appreciate themselves. They believe in themselves, and are positive, hopeful and happy. They identify as a capable, strong has-her-shit -together grown ass woman.…..They LOVE themselves.
But at OTHER times, in certain situations, with certain people, while engaged in certain activities (usually personal...
"Work" YOU vs "Home" YOU: who do you TRUST?
We need to talk about something that might feel uncomfortable, but holding it in isn’t healthy, so let’s see if I can help...
I’ll paint a little picture….
In your work/professional/creative life, you kick ass.
You’re calm, clear and direct about what you need, and you’re not afraid to set expectations, give feedback, set boundaries, or push back when other people try to challenge your boundaries.
You show up for yourself and your goals consistently, respectfully, without making apologies for it, or feeling the need to justify it.
But in your personal relationships, you’re like a different person…
This person has to over-explain and justify what she wants with a bunch of “why’s…….”telling it like it is” make her nauseous, setting boundaries feels super awkward, and enforcing...
Emotional Bypassing - Do your insides match your outsides?
There’s a surprising way that you might be abandoning yourself, and you probably don’t even know you’re doing it
It’s called emotional bypassing, and if you've got this habit, it's playing a significant part in why you feel stuck in "meh-ville" of dissatisfaction AND why you find yourself feeling powerless in getting your relationships to change!
Emotional bypassing occurs when we subconsciously switch an emotion we’re not comfortable experiencing, for another more “acceptable” emotion.
Whether an emotion is “acceptable” or “unacceptable” will depend on how you were programmed as a child.
For example, if you were criticized as a child for feeling sad, maybe made to feel silly for crying, or worse, threatened for your sadness (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”) You may have become afraid of your own sadness.
To keep yourself...
